September 22, 2008
September 16, 2008
Who's on first?
I just had to post this. It's still hilarious after over 60 years! . . . :-)
May 19, 2008
McCain on SNL
John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Unfortunately, I missed it. Fortunately, Kevin at Wizbang posted this clip from it:
It's funny stuff, too.
Thank you, Kevin!
April 08, 2008
Star Trek: The Original Series is now online
In it's entirety! The first show of the first season is The Man Trap.
March 01, 2008
Wherein MAD Magazine accurately characterizes the Che fashion/political craze.
January 30, 2008
Openly lifted from The Captain's Quarters. I couldn't resist . . .
January 27, 2008
Finally! A reason to watch the Superbowl.
Photo:Limited Brands provided this screenshot from a Victoria's Secret ad scheduled to run during Super Bowl XLII on Sunday, Feb. 3, 2008. Advertisers are banking more than ever on the Super Bowl as the writers' strike fells hit TV shows. (AP Photo/Limited Brands)
January 18, 2008
Journalists on the edge
Iowahawk has an alarming report about how violence being perpetrated by journalists is spiraling out of control.
A Denver newspaper columnist is arrested for stalking a story subject. In Cincinnati, a television reporter is arrested on charges of child molestation. A North Carolina newspaper reporter is arrested for harassing a local woman. A drunken Chicago Sun-Times columnist and editorial board member is arrested for wife beating. A Baltimore newspaper editor is arrested for threatening neighbors with a shotgun. In Florida, one TV reporter is arrested for DUI, while another is charged with carrying a gun into a high school. A Philadelphia news anchorwoman goes on a violent drunken rampage, assaulting a police officer. In England, a newspaper columnist is arrested for killing her elderly aunt.
Unrelated incidents, or mounting evidence of that America's newsrooms have become a breeding ground for murderous, drunk, gun-wielding child molesters? Answers are elusive, but the ever-increasing toll of violent crimes committed by journalists has led some experts to warn that without programs for intensive mental health care, the nation faces a potential bloodbath at the hands of psychopathic media vets.
Read the whole thing . . . before it's too late!
December 26, 2007
The Mom Song
This is a very clever three minute summary of a mom's day.
October 26, 2007
Waking up the cat
[Shamelessly stolen from Grouchy Old Cripple.]
August 22, 2007
The idgit vote
In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote
[Via Gerard Van der Leun at American Digest.]
August 11, 2007
Minesweeper: The Movie
Just keep telling yourself -- "it's just a movie . . ."
[Via Ace of Spades.]
July 05, 2007
Thank you for not voting
I couldn't help but chuckle at this one . . .
June 13, 2007
May 01, 2007
Earth Day - in a humorous way
Compliments of Comedy Central
March 23, 2007
An activist lifestyle
Mary Katherine Ham has a tongue-in-cheek video promoting conservation.
January 17, 2007
The California citrus industry is the latest victim of global warming.
FRESNO, Calif. (AP) - Shoppers soon will be feeling the sting of higher prices from a wave of icy weather that has hit California farms. As much as three-quarters of the state's citrus crop withered in the field during the cold snap, but nearly every winter crop, from avocados to fresh-cut flowers, has suffered severely.
Price hikes still won't be enough to offset the damage, as growers cope with nearly $1 billion in losses following four consecutive nights of subfreezing temperatures.
On Tuesday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger asked the federal government for disaster aid from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and Small Business Administration for growers and other affected businesses.
Sorry -- I couldn't help but note the irony.
December 23, 2006
I just had to pass this on. It's a pretty good joke from chicpilot.
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sheila. She was a Pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Sheila when she's been drinking."
chicpilot is an Air Force flight instructor who has some interesting posts on her blog. I hope that you can go and check out her blog.
December 22, 2006
Santa: An Engineer's Perspective
I received the following email from a dear family friend. He evidently thought I, as an engineer myself, am anal enough to appreciate the attention to detail. I did, indeed, appreciate this note, but drew the line at actually checking the calculations. I will leave that as an exercise for the reader . . .
> SANTA CLAUS: From An Engineer's Perspective
1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
3. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
5. Even granting that "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch) - 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintrillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
6. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s in .001 second, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 lbs of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
7. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
8. ..but Merry Christmas anyway!
December 16, 2006
Claudia Rosett has penned the farewell speech that Kofi Annan should have given. Here's how it begins:
Thank you for that generous introduction. I don’t deserve it. Please hold your applause until you hear what I have to say. This is not false modesty. I am quite serious — I don’t deserve the honor of speaking here today. At least once in every life there comes a moment of honesty, and for reasons I cannot fathom — perhaps the shock of looking back at just what a self-serving failure I have been — this is mine.
During my decade as secretary-general, and indeed for some time before that, I have indulged in more than my share of half-truths, quarter-truths, cover-ups, immoral inanities and staggering hypocrisies. I have shuffled paperwork while ignoring genocides, I have rushed to shake hands with tyrants while deriding democrats; I have suffered from memory gaps while adroitly recalling just enough to know what needs covering up. I took office promising to reform the U.N., and instead produced a record that deserves to be summed up by such phrases as peacekeeper rape, procurement bribery, and Oil-for-Food.
I have praised a “reformed” Human Rights Council that functions as a complete farce. I have demanded “peace” deals and pushed for a brand of morally blind diplomacy that has paved the way for a terrorist takeover of Lebanon, worsening turmoil in the Middle East, and a nuclear-armed Iran. In contradiction of the U.N. charter, which describes my role as the U.N.’s “chief administrative officer,” I have styled myself, in my own phrase, as “chief diplomat of the world,” setting up a vast array of opaque trusts, projects, partnerships, and programs which have massively expanded the U.N. beyond any provisions for oversight, while providing me with opportunities for patronage, and places to park my cronies. At the same time, while entrusted with a budget of billions, and a world stage, I have shirked all responsibility for my own failures, shifting blame especially to the United States.
Frankly, it’s an insult to the memory of President Harry Truman, who oversaw the founding of the U.N., that I have staged this farewell speech here today, coming to the Truman Presidential Museum and Library with the express purpose of singling out for criticism not the leaders of Iran, or Syria, or North Korea, or even China or Russia, but of America, and — by extension, since this is a democracy — America’s voters (who also happen to be the taxpayers who have made my U.N. career possible). In truth, if Harry Truman had foreseen the swollen, corrupt, and anti-American reality of today’s U.N. — including my own efforts to meddle in U.S. politics — he might have scrapped the whole project.
Now we're getting much closer to the reality of his tenure in the U.N. I wonder if he will ever acknowledge it?
November 24, 2006
But a very nice one . . .
Texas A&M 12, Texas 7Story from The Associated Press
Friday, November 24, 200
AUSTIN, Texas (AP)- Stephen McGee scored on an 8-yard run with less than three minutes to play and Texas A&M stunned No. 10 Texas 12-7 behind a power running game and tough defense Friday to snap a six-game losing streak in the bitter rivalry.
The Aggies (9-3, 5-3) rushed for 244 yards against the nation's top run defense and intercepted Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy three times, the last with just over a minute to play.
McCoy, who set a school record with 27 touchdown passes this season, was carted off the field after taking a hit on a pass attempt with 20 seconds left. He could be seen raising his left hand to the crowd as he left the field.
McCoy finished 17 of 28 for 160 yards in what was his worst game of the season. He threw an interception at the goal line at the end of the first half to kill one of the Longhorns' best drive.
The Aggies drove 88 yards for the winning score, chewing up nearly nine minutes in the fourth quarter. Mark Goodson scored the first touchdown on a 41-yard scamper in the first quarter.
The Longhorns (9-3, 6-2) could have won the Big 12 South Division title with a win. The loss means the Longhorns need Oklahoma to lose to Oklahoma State on Saturday or the Sooners will win the division and play Nebraska on Dec. 2 for the league crown.
Texas, which lost Nov. 11 to Kansas State, dropped consecutive games for the first time since 1999, which was the last time the Longhorns lost to the Aggies.
Coach Dennis Franchione's team got the win with an option running game that only crossed into Texas territory three times but chewed up yards and critical minutes in the fourth quarter.
Texas took a 7-6 lead in the third on Jamaal Charles' 6-yard TD run and had the Aggies pinned a their own 12 after a punt.
The Aggies converted four first downs on the winning drive, including a 14-yard run by McGee three plays before his touchdown run. The Aggies converted 10 of 16 on third down in the game.
Sometimes you can catch the dragon asleep.
Gig 'em, Aggies!
November 06, 2006
Welcome to the Republican Party
A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied. She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing."
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
[Received from Andy Chaps The Funnies via The Good Clean Funnies List.]
September 25, 2006
[Shamelessly stolen from Boudicca.]
August 30, 2006
More 'Random Thoughts'
Thomas Sowell's 'Random Thoughts' are always delightful. These are no different. I've cherry-picked three of them:
Someone said that good judgment comes from experience -- which in turn comes from bad judgment.
Some people are so busy being clever that they don't have time to be intelligent.
Little kids can be adorable when they are asleep. Or maybe we are just so glad that they are asleep that this biases our feelings.
Read the rest . . .
July 17, 2006
Another alarming report from the ecoEnquirer:
(Hastings, Nebraska) Residents of parts of "Tornado Alley" are experiencing yet another consequence of global warming: a severe shortage of tornadoes.
In the thirty county warning area of Nebraska and north-central Kansas served by the Hastings National Weather Service office, there has not been a single confirmed tornado for the first six months of this year. Such a tornado drought has not been experienced in this region in over 50 years.
July 03, 2006
With tongue firmly planted in cheek
A new sensor on a NASA Earth-orbiting satellite has for the first time observed a global-scale die off of vegetation, a new article in Science magazine reports this week.
July 02, 2006
Diet Coke + Mentos
I think you might enjoy this video.
May 26, 2006
I was born in Pennsylvania, and raised in North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, New Jersey, and Texas. I have lived in Texas now for the last 31 of my almost 49 year life.
And I still can't get a respectable "Dixie" score!
Your Linguistic Profile:: 50% General American English
0% Upper Midwestern
Of course, native Texans (and some adopted ones) would be quick to point out that "Dixie" is not necessarily "Texan", either.
Another thought: I wonder what the remaining 5% of my linguistic basis is . . . ?
May 07, 2006
James Taranto has pulled together some inspiring quotations by Democrat leaders in America.
Great Orators of the Democratic Party
- "One man with courage makes a majority."--Andrew Jackson
- "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--Franklin D. Roosevelt
- "The buck stops here."--Harry S. Truman
- "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."--John F. Kennedy
- "I was recently asked about the difference between the Democratic and Republican parties. When it comes right down to it, the essential difference is that the Democrats fundamentally believe it is important to make sure that American Jews feel comfortable being American Jews."--Howard Dean
March 23, 2006
I have to admit that I didn't suspect Pixy Misa is a fellow Neverwinter Nights gamer.
How cool is that?!
March 14, 2006
I would like to wish you all a Happy Pi Day!
March 07, 2006
Villains Vanquished redux
I don't know why, but it seems as if new parents are compelled to change their decor. Anyway, go check out Phoenix's newly remodeled digs.
It seems that Apothegm Designs' highly-talented fingerprints are all over that place. Phoenix may want to make liberal use of a good disinfectant before exposing her baby to it, though!
(Actually, I'll bet she already has . . . ;)
February 14, 2006
Vice President Dick Chaney was issued a ticket today as a result of the hunting accident over the weekend in which he shot fellow hunter Harry Whittington, a lawyer.
Vice President Cheney was issued the citation because hunting season for lawyers does not begin in Texas until March.
December 04, 2005
November 25, 2005
Disappointed but proud
The Aggies showed a lot of heart out there versus the #2 college team in the nation (t.u.), and they actually were ahead twice during the game.
Unfortunately, Texas showed us what a powerhouse team they really are by winning 40-29.
But they had to really work for it.
It was a good game all around (except for the officiating).
Just wait until next year though . . .
October 31, 2005
Hope you have an enjoyable one!
October 10, 2005
Here's a pretty funny story about childbirth -- from a child's perspective -- emailed to me by the Good Clean Funnies List.
I put it in the extended entry . . .
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for like an hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
"They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Received from Tami D.
Rate this funny here.
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
October 02, 2005
Ten Commandments -- Texas Edition
Got this from the The Good Clean Funnies List. Thought I'd share it.
It's in the extended entry . . .
People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.
Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:
The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
(posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas)
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?
Y'all have a good day.
[Received from Roswell Evans Jr..]
July 20, 2005
New HP book destroys rainforest!
June 21, 2005
"Men are like an ant on top of a tire. When the tire starts moving they know something important is happening, but they have no clue what it is until it's too late . . ." -- Dear Friend
We got a late start today. We are overnighting west of Birmingham, Alabama, and plan to get home tomorrow. We are all more than ready to get home and sleep in our own beds . . .
The vacation has been wonderful. And it is now time to get back home. I guess this whole family are a bunch of homebodies when you get right down to it!
June 08, 2005
[grocery] STORE WARS
Join Cuke Skywalker, Ham Solo, and Chewbroccoli in the Organic Rebellion! Battle the Dark side of the Farm in your local grocery store!
Go now to see Store Wars!
(Wideband recommended, but it's probably worth the long download time on dial up.)
May 28, 2005
Here's a funny joke that I scarfed from a school yard blog.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant. Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
May 02, 2005
It'll be safer tamale!
I couldn't help but laugh when I read this story: School Mistakes Huge Burrito for a Weapon
[Hat tip to Publicola]